Holiday tales (continued)

So, last time I got as far as our journey to Penang. So here's from where I left off......


NO CANOODLING PLEASE - THIS IS A HOUSE OF GOD, DON'T YOU KNOW


DOES MY DOME LOOK SHINY IN THIS?


INSERT WITTY COMMENT HERE, I'M ALL OUT OF THEM


INSIDE A CAVE TEMPLE


HONG PRACTISES HIS "VOGUE" DANCE ROUTINE, WHILST MUM DISCOVERS QUITE HOW STINKY TORTOISE SHIT CAN BE


"DO YOU LIKE MY NEW PHALLUS HEAD-DRESS?"


DAD: "TIM, WHY THE HELL DID YOU MAKE US WAKE UP EARLY IN THE MORNING, AND THEN TAKE A TRAIN TO IPOH JUST TO THEN MAKE US SIT AND WAIT FOR AGES IN A GROTTY OLD HOTEL?"
TIM: "TRUST ME, IT'S ALL PLANNED"
MUM: "HA HA, WE'VE HEARD THAT BEFORE"
TIM: "HAVE I COCKED UP YET?"
DAD: "WHAT, TODAY OR IN GENERAL???"

After our lovely trip round Perak, the last stop being Kuala Kangsar, we joined the North South highway and headed up to Penang. Somewhere along the way suddenly a mad rainstorm came ploughing down, so hard that we couldn't even see the bonnet of the Mercedes. It was a nasty storm and literally came from nowhere. I was just giving a discourse on how dangerous it is that Malaysians put their hazard warning lights on in such conditions, when we suddenly saw a bunch of hazards flashing ahead "see" said I. But then, we passed under a bridge and the rain vanished temporarily. This gave us one of the nastiest shocks of our lives (well, certainly of my life, I won't speak on the others behalf).

What we saw was simple carnage. A whole host of motorbikes had taken "refuge" under the bridge, as often happens here, and had evidently been parked in a big row having a break. We're not sure how it happened, but somebody had gone down the hard shoulder, as often happens here, no doubt trying to undertake a slower moving vehicle. Either that or he lost control. However it happened, the net result was that a car had just ploughed its way through 20 or more bike. It was total carnage. Bodies scattered, chunks of bike all over the shop, one bike wedged under a car, one body on the road that I am certain (however it all happened so fast and visibilty was not great) had no head, and a crash helmet (again, hard to tell) which I am quite certain contained the head. Either way, the body was not moving and would clearly never move again of its own volition.
Then, before we'd even had time to fully assess what we had just seen, suddenly the rain stopped and we were back in clear sunshine. We did however see a few more accidents on the way.
That's how it happens in holiday seasons here, and yet people still don't bother driving safely.


STEP ONE: TAKE A TREE, SLICE INTO SECTIONS, SLICE SECTIONS IN HALF.


STEP TWO: SCOOP OUT TREE.


STEP THREE: MAKE IT LOOK FANCY AND PREPARE YOUR HALF TONNE OF WOOD FOR STEP FOUR.

STEP FOUR: INSERT CORPSE AND BURY IN DIRT.

So, lucky for us, and thanks to Hongs good driving, we made it to Penang safely.
That night we went into town, where they were having another CNY celebration (this time for the Hokkien New Year, which falls on the 8th day of CNY, on the Jade Emperors birthday, by all accounts). This was a slight shock, for all of us, as there were about 30 million people (small exaggeration, ok, so sue me) all squeezed into the narrow streets.
One of the best and worst things about CNY is that the Chinese love (in fact are culturally obliged) to make noise at CNY. Harmonious melodic sounds are bad Feng Shui at this time, as it allows evil spirits to flourish. Thus what you have to do is this....





Oh wait, not that. That's only what you do when your son insists on you making a fool out of yourself for his own childish amusement....
No, what you do at CNY is this....

A) Set off bangers, as many as possible, preferably by throwing them at the feet of unsuspecting passers by (evidently in order to induce the spontaneous opening of bowel and bladder).
B) Smash drums and cymbals as hard as possible.
C) Crank PA systems beyond the Threshod of Pain, beyond ear bleeding, and into the brain mushing zone.
D) Sing chinese operas, in the style of a cat being raped in a mangle.
E) Shout raucusy and in a high pitched voice, in the above cat mangle style.
F) Tell crude jokes and laugh a la chat viol dans le mangle.
G) Generally be as obscenely noisy as possible.
H) Put all these activities together, on one street, and then compete to be noisier than your neighbours.

So there we were, tired and confused, being dragged around (by me) in hoping to find a bit of sanctuary amongst all the madness. Lucky for me I have my friend Salma, who has a heritage house in the midst of where all the insanity was taking place. So we went in there and had a good long rest, as they were having an Open House.

The next few days in Penang basically involved mum and dad being dragged around by me to see stuff. We went on the fernicular railway up to the top of Penang Hill (mum, brave soul, having kittens all the way up and down) and there we sat in a nice english style place and had tea and scones. Dad, in full tourist mode, wanted to go off and explore. As he went, I warned him "don't bother walking up to the mosque at the top, it's crap, the view here is just as nice, and there are loads of steps". 10 minutes later I went to find him, had a look at the lower area, no sign of dad, I saw the 50 over steps and though "nah, he won't have gone up there, not with his knee" so I looked some more, still no dad. I returned, and what do I see? Right at the top of the hill, coming down from the crappy 1980s cheap designed mosque that doesn't fit in at all? Oh. There's dad. Suffice to say, later in the day, he was bemoaning his knackered legs. I didn't want to say "I told you so" - but we all know that he simply refuses to listen to me, even when he knows I'm right. Ho hum...

So after a few days of relaxing, interspersed with me dragging them into knackeredness, we returned to KL for a night or 2.

The final leg of the Malaysian tour was supposed to be on the East Coast, but, it was the tail end of the monsoon over there, and so all the islands were closed. So, just before they came over, we had a last minute change and booked to go to Phuket.

Thus we flew to Phuket, and tried our very best to do as little as humanly possible for the week we were there. Mostly it was lying by the pool, occasionally swimming, frequently eating and drinking beer, a swim or two in the sea, sleeping, drinking and, of course, diving......

Oooooh, diving. With Dad as my buddy? Brilliant.


DADS FIRST SHARK - A BABY LEOPARD SHARK HAVING AN AFTERNOON NAP


A LIONFISH


A JELLYFISH


A BAMPYFISH
GENUS peterius doughtyonium, ORDER flattulantae


NO GEORGE, THE BUBBLES ARE COMING OUT OF HIS REGULATOR - FOR ONCE


LIKE SON, LIKE FATHER


WITH THE POWER OF NEOPRENE I BECOME "SUPERPETE"!!!!!!!!!!


"IS THIS AN OCTOPUS I SEE BEFORE ME? OH NO, WAIT, IT'S MY HAND"


IN THE POOL


POOLSIDE

So, thanks to Kims mum (Buoy) and her Bristolian hubby (Ken) we all had ourselves a properly lovely time on the beach, at In on the Beach. I never did get to take mum to a ladyboy bar, dad didn't really feel like being molested by men what don't have danglers anymore. The diving was great, Vanessa joined us for a few days (not long enough by far, but better than nothing) because she had to go to KL and have whips cracked at her in the office. I also got to eat obscene amounts of bacon, in preparation for the drought upon returning to the land of halal eateries.
Mum also got a corking bit of sunburn and attempted to purchase 30 tonnes of Thai tourist nick nacks. Dad advised her not to do so, as he only has one spine and one house, which is already full of crap - and yes, I know, most of it's mine.

Oh and lastly, we managed to track down where Santa goes on his holidays. It seems that between his Christmas excursions he transforms himself into a little inflatable version of himself, then splits himself into several copies of himself (which he must have learned from some bacteria) and then hangs himself up in a shop that sells beach toys for several months, in an attempt to set himself on fire in the intense sunshine. So there you go, you heard it here first kids, Santa is by the beach in Thailand, kicking it with the ladyboy crew.

Here's the music video I just recently edited/co-directed

Howdy, not quite ready to carry on with the holiday tales just yet, cos a world of busyness was waiting to greet me as soon as I got better.
And also, randomly I got to be in 2 episodes of Puah Chu Kang. It was all a bit odd, there I was in bed, feeling groggy (not as sick as the day before, but not amazing) and as Vanessa left she said to me "what are you doing today?", "feeling crap and sleeping" was my response. Half an hour later the phone rang, could I come and be in a TV show because the talent had just let them down. They needed a token white guy. Cash is king, so I got out of bed and off I went. The guy kept asking me on the phone if I'd heard of the show, I had no idea, he was shocked, however I did recognise one of the actors names (Harith Iskandar, who's quite famous here and pretty funny comedian who I've watched on a few things). So I sms Adam and say I'm going to meet Harith Iskandar, cos I know he likes him and always enjoy making people jealous, petty but fun.
He asks what show, I don't know, but I was told it was some sitcom about a construction firm or something.

"Oh my god, you're going to be on Puah Chu Kang. That's amazing. Wah" Was the response.
Oh. Is it? The money's ok, so it must have a reasonable budget.
Then when I got there I met a bloke wearing yellow wellys, with a disgustingly huge mole on his face. "Alright mate, nice wellys, very fetching" says I. Bloke regards me oddly "yes, they are quite", "indeed" say I "I rekon I could pull them off on a night out, don't you think". I readily avoid commenting on the hugeness of his mole.

Anyway. Another sms to Vanessa, saying "have you heard of Puah Chu Kang? apparently I'm going to be in it". Well, she pointed out that I'd already watched it (and for that matter turned it off, saying "why are we watching this total crap?") and that I should ask PCK for his mole as a keepsake. I didn't. I don't even know if it's real or not, I mean, you can comment on a guys wellys but when it comes to facial disfigurements, I mean, what if it IS real? That would be a knuckle biter wouldn't it

So, as it transpires, everybody but me has heard of PCK (see how "in" I am now, oh yeah) because it's one of Singapores best known shows, running for 10 years, and apparently Malaysians and Singaporeans have grown up watching it. Now, let's get this straight, the show is crap, but it's well known and gets good ratings - well, look at Neighbours, that's crap and been running for years.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Phua_Chu_Kang

So there you go, I have now been on a "legendary" show. The glittering lights of fame and recognition await me. I actually had an alright part, and the director kept giving me lots more lines because I can actually speak english.
Here's part of a random episode that I found of youtube for you. Naturally the one with me in it won't be on TV for quite some time, cos it's episode 26 and the new season hasn't started yet.

Mum and Dads Holiday

Hello everybody, I just got told that certain people are upset due to me not updating the blog over the last 3 weeks. Well, sorry about that, it’s been a little bit busy and I didn’t take my laptop with me on our travels, cos it’s a bit heavy and you never know how secure random hotels are.
So, yesterday I finally got to transfer all the photos from Mum and Dads cameras, and my goodness there are a few of them. Dad shot somewhere in the region of 900 photos – so you lucky lucky people are no doubt going to be subjected to several days worth of slideshows, ha ha ha. I got the job of going through them in advance and choosing the nice ones, not to mention the ones that mum has told me ‘definitely not to ever show anybody’ and then put them on the web for all to see. Yes, aren’t I the nicest son ever.

In brief, here is what we’ve done over the last 3 weeks……
Kuala Lumpur: They arrived, relaxed and got over jetlag, ate food and then we all took the train down to Malacca.



MOTHER AT THE MOSQUE



MOTHER AT THE MOSQUE



MOTHER MOONLIGHTS AS MALACCA LOLLYPOP LADY



DAD WATCHING DRAGON DANCE OVER A JUG OF TIGER





ESCAPING FROM THE HEAT



ME AND DAD? IN A BAR? NEVER

Malacca: To spend a couple of days over Chinese New Year among some nice buildings. I nearly killed them both, by route marching them in 35 degree sunshine around old buildings.
After Malacca we returned to KL, ate food and relaxed for a night or so. Then we took another train up to Ipoh, for the next leg. Mum and Dad both seem completely unable to trust their ‘little boy’ and I think there was always a certain fear lurking in the back of their minds – the fear that I would drag them for days on end, on perpetual jungle missions, that eventually led to somewhere crap where there was nothing to see or do – and also that I would have left us all stranded in this god-knows-where place with no room to sleep in, thus having to bed down in a gutter with nothing but a banana leaf to keep us warm. Well, despite my not planning very much, it didn’t turn into a homeless holiday, not even once, in fact it didn’t even come close. But that just goes to show how much faith they have in little old me, doesn’t it just.



NO RABBITS? MUST HAVE SEEN HER COMING



DAD AND MR CHIA



MUM AND MRS CHIA



"GOD, WHY ARE YOU TAKING THIS PHOTO TIM? WE LOOK LIKE SUCH TOURISTS"
"YOU ARE TOURISTS, JUST STAND NEXT TO THE BLOODY ELEPHANTS"



HELP!!! A SNAIL ATE 2 OF MY FINGERS!!

Ipoh and Perak: So, in Ipoh we met up with Hong, my friend and a cohort in the film project. He done himself very proud that man, and he sorted us out good and proper with a really nice 3 days. Firstly he took us to some cave temples, in the limestone cliffs around Ipoh, then we bought a couple of Pomellos in the pouring rain, before retiring to spend an evening in Papan, at Sybils clinic. A lovely day, not too tiring, and lots to see. That night Hong and I went out for a few beers, which unfortunately ended in his car window getting smashed by a thief, and his stuff robbed from within. Thus we (both drunk) entered the police station. Hong spent the next hour trying to convince the police officers that I was a friend, and not his catamite (ask dad). It looked like the trip to Ipoh was going to end in disaster, and naturally I said to Hong, "don't worry about us, you go and sort this out and we'll be fine". "NO!! I'm not going to let some filthy Tamil theif swine ruin my plans, I'll pick you up in the morning as arranged". So that was that, what a trooper! He came in his brothers lovely Mercedes, and we continued our tour of Perak in total style. It's a bugger that it had to happen that way though.
So on we plodded. To see the last tin dredge in Malaysia (sadly now it's filling up with water due to total lack of care and the visitors centre is full of flies, urgh), then to Tanjung Tualang to eat delicious fresh water shrimp. The next day we drove on the long route to Penang (Hong being a supreme legend offered to drive us up there) via Chemor - where we saw guys making coffins out of trees - and Kuala Kangsar, one of the most beautiful towns in Perak, made so because the Sultan has boat loads of money and a big ego, but also because the British built some gorgeous buildings there. Oh and we went to see a great old iron railway bridge, built by the victorians. It was here that Dad stated "no, I really am not that interested in trains really, it's the, you know, erm, history and all that", Hong, who had known him for exactly 3 days, raised both eyebrows and went "Hmmm", whilst mum and I exchanged knowing looks. Yes dad, time to admit it, you like trains, we all know, no shame in that.
This was the same place that mum spotted a big pile of rubber, spread out in lumps to dry in the sun awaiting collection. She wanted to have a closer look, and she was warned "don't touch it, it really stinks". What did she do? The next thing is "urrgh, have you got any wet wipes, my hands stink!!!". Can't say she wasn't warned though.

Continued Tomorrow..................... (because today I have a fever and need to go back to bed)