House sitter required

I've got my tickets booked to come back to the wet and windy isles just off the north-western coast of mainland europe, I'll be back in the rheumatism inducing weather in less than a month now. Oh you lucky lucky devils. I'll only be around for a few days, cos then I'm straight off to wexford for a bit of hard labour so if you want to meet up then email me and we'll have to organise in advance. I know that sounds ridiculously pompous, but the way I've booked the flights doesn't leave more than a few days each side of my arriving and leaving.
On the Malaysian side of things, when I come back home I'll be leaving the flat essentially un-attended, so if somebody fancies a few months of holiday looking after the place while I'm gone then let me know as it would be better to have someone there than not, right. What a marvellous offer I hear you cry, how cold we possibly refuse.
So answers on a postcard right - or an email wold suffice - but get your bums into gear and let me know, then book your flights (or book the flights first and then let me know, either way it's the same outcome). Obviously you won't have to be in the flat 24 - 7, you can go all over the place and investigate the country - and the ones next door for that matter, but it would mean somebody would be going back there at least every couple of weeks and therefore preventing squatters and cockroaches from invading right, also you could check my mail and pay the meagre water/electric bills (currently piling up at a whopping 5 quid a month combined).

You know the funny thing is, I know that nobody will actually come and take me up on this offer, because something tawdry, everyday and normal will get in the way - like having to wash your hair or a dentist appointment. Go on, take a chance and in the process you'll be helping me out.

Just think, free house, swimming pool, malaysia, sunshine, getting the squits, beautiful girls, very affordable asian cuisine, eating out in a different place every day, getting fat, lying in the hammock on the balcony, amazing tropical white sand beaches just a few hours a day away, being utterly confused most of the time, cheap shopping. And you won't even have to see me!
How often do you get an offer like this????

I'll be able to count the number of responses to this offer on less than one finger, i just know it.

surprise me